Climategate: Green Agony Uncle ‘Dear James’ answers your Copenhagen questions

Dear James,

On the news I have seen footage of rank crusties in foetid polar bear costumes being sprayed with tear gas by Danish police. Isn’t this bad for the environment?

Rob Stevely, Fla.

Dear James answers: No, it’s good news, Rob! Though tear gas can indeed contribute to the greenhouse effect, this is offset by the dramatic CO2 reduction when a man in a polar bear costume stops breathing. Also you should quit worrying about the greenhouse effect: it’s what makes our planet habitable.

Dear James,

In my newspapers it says that Southern Britain is expecting 8 inches of snow this weekend and that there is an increased likelihood of a white Christmas. Does this mean that all the Environment Correspondents who write stories every day about Man-Made Global Warming are a bunch of hysterical berks whose claims I can trust about as far as I could throw a polar bear?

Mattie Storin, Westminister

Dear James responds: You might think Mattie but I couldn’t possibly say. However, as no less a sage than Homer Simpson recently pointed out, “global warming” (or “Climate change” as it is more usefully known these days) is responsible for all weather, hot or cold, rainy or sunny, windy or calm. So an Environment Correspondent only has to look out of the window to find further compelling evidence of “Climate change”. So yes, we are all definitely to blame for this weekend’s snow.

Dear James,

In today’s paper I read that our dear leader Gordon Brown and that nice Ed Miliband are backing a deal which could see Britain leading the world in carbon emissions reductions, halving our greenhouse gas output by 2020. Should I feel happy about this?

Barry Leatherman, Kent

Dear James writes: Do you remember that time, Barry, when your Mum told you that the reason you couldn’t find your much-loved medieval play castle (with knights and dragon) anywhere in your toy cupboard was because you’d grown out of it and she’d given it to the “poor children” who needed it more than you? Well, think of Miliband/Brown as your mum, imagine that the play castle represented about 20 per cent of your earned income, and think of those poor children as an unholy trinity made up of third world kleptocrat dictators, carbon trading billionaires and faceless, hectoring EU apparatchiks. How happy does that make you feel Barry? Barry? BARRY? Why are you smiling like Jack Nicholson in The Shining? You’re surely not taking that axe where I think you’re taking it? Don’t do it, Barry. You’ll never get past the Downing Street security….

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