365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy

(Regnery) 2011

Q. Why did God give liberals annoying, whiny voices?

A. So that even the blind could hate them.

If you find this joke tasteless, sick, puerile, politically incorrect, offensive and not even funny then you’re probably a liberal, in which case–Job Done!

Otherwise, read on. Not for one fraction of a millisecond would I pretend that 365 Ways To Drive A Liberal Crazy is my most subtle and brilliant literary flowering. But then that’s not the point. It’s there to amuse and inform (if you’re a conservative) and to annoy the hell out of you (if you’re a liberal). It’s the kind of book which in Britain you’d keep in the downstairs loo: a collection of bad taste jokes, aphorisms, conservative sound bites, movie references, history notes and useful facts, to be read in gobbets rather than all in one go.

Note that I use “liberal” in its American sense. I wrote this book for the US market, not the UK one, so if you’re British, beware, some of the references may go right over your head. E.g., my claim that Mickey Mouse wears a Keith Olbermann watch; or my elaborate lie about Senator Harry Reid and the birthmark 666 on his left testicle.

The scurrilous Reid story is part of my favourite running joke in the book: a section called “Start a Rumor” (yes, US spelling because it’s for the US) in which I invite readers to spread rumours which aren’t actually true but sound like they ought to be. There’s a disgusting one about what Hanoi Jane Fonda really got up to in North Vietnam; one about Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan’s sideline as a naked mud wrestler in the Happy Girlzzz Bar in New York. I also did one about Ted Turner’s Florida eco-ranch which he had geoengineered in the shape of Mother Gaia. During the sculpting of Mother Gaia’s intimate parts, no fewer than 32 manatees were accidentally killed. Sadly, I think my publisher may have cut that entry out on grounds of taste.

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