September 30, 2009
“Would you mind awfully if I seduced you?” asked the attractive older woman sitting next to me on the bus, placing one hand meaningfully on my bare, suntanned thigh.
“Er, no,” I replied.
And I didn’t. Not one bit. I was 19; she – it later transpired – was 36, a lecturer at London University. And if there’s one thing you want above all else when you’re 19, it’s uncomplicated, deliciously meaningless sex with a good-looking woman who is totally up for it, knows what she’s doing, and isn’t secretly wishing that you were a bit older and more experienced because that’s not what she’s after. What she wants is your youth.
The woman – I’ve forgotten her name, unfortunately, but then we didn’t waste too much time exchanging CVs – was what I suppose would now be called a “Cougar”. These are the Mrs Robinson types, celebrated in the new Courteney Cox sitcom Cougar Town, who like to prey on the tender flesh of young men half their age.
Courtney Cox in her role as a ‘Cougar’ in the new American TV series, Cougar Town Photo: SCOPE
When you put it like that it does sound slightly vampiric, and I gather that some feminists are up in arms at this “ridiculous and belittling” depiction of the single older woman and female sexuality, which, so they say, owes more to stereotypical male fantasy than reality.
Well they’ve got the “male fantasy” bit right. Until it happens to you, you imagine it’s the sort of thing that only happens in “readers’ true experiences” pages in girlie mags. That’s why, as the seduction progressed, I kept having to pinch myself to be sure I wasn’t dreaming.
It was the summer of my first year at university, and I’d gone to the Greek island of Spetses because I liked John Fowles’s The Magus. There, on a beach, I positioned myself reasonably close to some nice-looking women who turned out to be a bit older than I thought. We got talking; we had an Ouzo or three; we took the bus back into town; and that’s when I received my kind offer.
There’s this great myth among adolescents that older women teach you all sorts of amazing sexual tricks. This isn’t really true – or at least it’s certainly not the most important thing they teach you. What I really learned from this magical, brilliant woman – thank you, whoever you are! – is that sex is something you can enjoy without hang-ups.
Too often in your early sexual years as a man, you’re made to feel as if sex is something you can only really get through trickery (either guile or more usually alcohol), that you’re a bit rubbish at it, and that you’re frankly rather squalid for having insisted on it so soon in the relationship. Older women have no truck with these games. They are as grateful for your efforts as you are for their instruction. It is the perfect symbiotic relationship.
That’s why I’m always deeply puzzled when a female teacher gets had up – and sometimes even put away – for having sex with one of her boy pupils. How can that possibly be right? First, it’s physically impossible for a woman to rape a man: if he’s capable, then he’s interested. Second, at least one – and preferably several – sexual encounters with an older woman is what every heterosexual male needs to make him better in bed and happier in his skin.
CALLING ALL MALES: WHICH MEMBER OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM ARE YOU?*
Silver Fox – A smooth and handsome older man who effortlessly snares young beauties with his wit and charm
Rhinoceros – A physically unappealing but asset-heavy sugar daddy with an array of trophy girlfriends and wives
Lion – A solid, faithful family man with multiple offspring and a stellar career
Gazelle – A lithe and beautiful twentysomething who preys on women old enough to be his mother
Cheetah – A sleek, heartless and youthful player who goes in for the kill – before bounding on to his next conquest
(to read more, click here)