How Did I Learn Women Are Superior? From a Burst Water Pipe

In theory a burst water pipe ought to be largely in the male domain.


‘It’s always me who gets the worst of it,’ said the Fawn, surveying the wreckage caused by the burst water pipe. I did not disagree a) because I would have had my head bitten off and b) because it’s true.

Though I wouldn’t say I was completely useless: who was the first to spot the water gushing through the ceiling of the guest bedroom, eh? And who was the first to find the stopcock using the time-honoured method of running up and down the stairs for ten minutes screaming: ‘Where the hell is the stopcock?’ But it’s probably fair to say that the Fawn bore — and continues to bear — the brunt of the crisis.

In theory a burst water pipe ought to be largely in the male domain. But once you’ve got the man stuff out of the way — move furniture, place strategic buckets, call a plumber and find he can’t come for three days — the aftermath is pretty much woman’s territory.

I’m thinking of the business of dealing with the mounds of accumulated sodden linen, plus a weekend’s worth of unwashed clothes; drying the mattresses; airing the rooms; running a household with a crap husband and two useless teenagers when there’s no mains water.

Read the rest in the Spectator.

Handbags, Chocolates, Housework – My Tips for a Happy Women’s Day

Happy International Women’s Day, Girls. As a member of the only sex on earth that loves you and cares about you and isn’t secretly plotting to undermine you at every turn, I’d like to offer you some pro tips on how to get the most of this very special day

Don’t Go On A March

Why would you go on a march? Marches are, like, ew. They play havoc with your feet if you’re wearing heels; the noise – all that shrieking and chanting and screeching – is like the extra, hot-floored room in hell where they keep all the cats; the preponderance of blue hair and voluminous cellulite is simply unspeakable. And anyway, what exactly are you protesting against? Basically, you won. Enjoy it!

Celebrate Your Victory

What victory? Why only the fact that if you were born a woman in the West you won life’s lottery. Apart from having longer orgasms and a longer lifespan than men and basically – secretly – being in charge of men, you get more favourable treatment in the courts, you’re more likely to go to university, you benefit from positive discrimination in the workplace and, of course, from the fact that the pay gap is a myth.

Buy a Handbag; or Some Chocolate; or go to a Spa; or Whatever

Seriously, just do whatever the hell makes you happy and gets you off our case. Sure we (men, that is) may pretend to be shocked when you let slip just how much you paid for that small, shiny leather carrying device with the handles on it and that which clearly matters to you so very, very much. But we’re not. We’re just relieved a) because it means we’re now spared the horror of having to choose one for you ourselves (and inevitably getting it wrong because we just don’t get handbags, we just don’t, OK?) and b) if you’re happy we’re happy. A man is only as happy as his least happy child, they say. This applies, with knobs on, to his wives and girlfriends.

Have a Drink. But just the One…

Bad men like drunk girls because they’re easy prey. But really, it’s not a good look. In fact, apart from the blue hair and the let-yourself-go body fat, possibly the very worst consequence of modern feminism is this idea that girls have a right to get just as drunk and behave just as outrageously and boorishly as boys. I think the notion of such a “right” would be more defensible if it came with an acceptance of the consequences. For example, there has been a spate of court cases in Britain – brought by our feminazi Crown Prosecution Service – in which perfectly innocent young men have been dragged into the dock and charged with rape on account of complaints by drunken young missies who led them on and later changed their minds once they’d sobered up slightly. Not fair. Not fair, at all. Most recent victim is Lewis Tappenden, 24, who nearly went to prison and whose reputation was ruined because of a false accusation by an 18-year old student who told friends that she was going “out to pull” but who decided after the event “I just wasn’t in to it.” Allison Pearson is well worth reading on this…

Read the rest at Breitbart.