‘The Force Awakens’ Is the Worst Thing Ever

Obviously there have been many more terrible movies — The Phantom Menace, Ishtar, Battlefield Earth, Grown Ups II, Love Actually, etc. — but never before has there been a movie where the generally favourable reception by critics and audiences alike has been quite so dramatically at odds with the actual product.

There is no question about it: The Force Awakens comprehensively sucks. Yet mysteriously almost no one has come round to admitting it. Until now.

Warning: There WILL be plot spoilers. But if you haven’t seen it, I’m doing you a favour. Now you needn’t go.

1. Et Tu, Nolte?

All the critics have been extravagantly kind about it. Even our fearless John Nolte found some almost nice things to say. (Well, he didn’t stamp on it as you would a bubonic cockroach, just damned it with very faint praise). I can think of only two possible explanations. Either Disney has deeper pockets than we imagined, or all those people who conspiracy theorize about the mind-warping effects of chemtrails were right all along.

2. Basically it’s an extended propaganda promo for women in the military

In the original Star Wars movie, the ONLY interesting characteristic about the ineffably dull Luke Skywalker was his battle to overcome his innate milquetoastness and somehow become the saviour of the universe. With the new heroine, Rey, we don’t even get that small consolation. Basically she is AMAZING from the off.

Why is she amazing? Girl power, of course. Girls can just do the most incredible shit that boys never could. They can fly ageing space cruisers they’ve never once flown before, mastering the controls in seconds to the point where, just a minute later, they can steer them through near-impossible dog fight manoeuvres. They’re good in hand-to-hand combat situations too. They’re so naturally brilliant — because they’re girls, obv. —  that they don’t even need to undergo lengthy training sessions on Dagobah in the use of The Force. (Bollocks this is).

And they’re great mechanics, too, because, again, girls are like that: their minds are so geared to engineering and spacecraft maintenance and stuff, they can teach guys like Han Solo a thing or two, just you listen. Oh, and they’re also fluent in robot. Some critics of the old school might argue that a heroine who can overcome every obstacle without difficulty is a heroine without interest or entertainment value or, indeed, plausibility. But that’s just sexism.

3. We’ll need a bigger Death Star

Oops. Did I just give away The Force Awakens’ climax? Why I think I just might have. Which gives you an idea of just how unimaginative and formulaic this re-boot of the original Star Wars actually is. Seriously, this is the most shocking and dramatic moment in the entire movie: when they reveal that the ultimate Boss our heroes must confront is like the Death Star… only bigger! You pinch yourself in disbelief and nearly fall out of your seat as you mutter: “No. It cannot be. Surely there must be something more complicated, more exciting than that?” But no. That’s it.

Read the rest at Breitbart.