World Vegan Day: An Appeal

Today, as you’re all probably aware, is World Vegan Day. But have you stopped to think what that actually means?

It means that are millions of people all around the world — 7.5 million of them in the U.S. alone, apparently — who have not had access to a decent pair of leather shoes or a fat juicy burger or a honey sandwich for weeks. Sometimes months. Or, even, in the case of the ones who had really weird parents, their whole lives!

We mustn’t laugh. It’s serious. A permanent diet of vegetables — especially if they’re organic ones — can be fatal, as was demonstrated four years ago in Germany when no fewer than 50 people were wiped out by deadly cucumbers. 

Veganism, we also know, can cause terrible side-effects. Just look at this video and see what a vegan diet has done to this poor couple’s skin, the man’s especially. It also appears to have damaged their capacity for reason. Though the song is all about how much they love cows it has completely passed them by that if everyone went vegan cows just wouldn’t exist. There’d be no point. Cows are only there to make milk and breed more steak. They’re far too dangerous to be left standing around in fields for no reason: ask any dog walker.

Also, it is a known fact that a meat-free diet damages the receptors in the brain responsible for creating and understanding jokes. Here’s an example of the problem I mean. I once went to the Christmas revue in Broadmoor high security prison for the criminally insane. There was a lot more lightness of touch and wit than there was in that PETA video.

What I’m saying is that these vegans badly need our help. And I want you to think of me as your Benedict Cumberbatch, coming out on stage after my probably overrated performance as Hamlet to bludgeon you with my celebrity, shock you with my swearing and embarrass you with my donations bucket into giving generously to what I passionately believe is the single most worthwhile cause you’re going to hear about today: help me help the vegans escape from their living hell.

Read the rest at Breitbart.

There’s Nothing ‘Fantastic’ about Mister Fox’s PETA-Style Politics

Fantastic Mister Fox is the most poisonous and insidious piece of misanthropic, animal rights propaganda PETA never wrote. Its politics more closely resemble that of a rabidly townie, leftist vegetarian who believes that property is theft, meat production a vile perversion and pest control a form of racist genocide, than of some lovably eccentric children’s author. So if Roald Dahl is turning in his grave at the very weird things Wes Anderson has done to his classic book, then part of me is kind of pleased.

Here’s the trailer:

Not remotely like the book, I think you’ll agree, despite the fact that – presumably out of a desire to channel Dahl’s spirit – Wes Anderson wrote the script in the author’s old writing hut. He’s turned it into a vulpine update of Oceans Eleven, for gawd’s sake. And, as per ruddy usual, all the baddies have been given English accents while the goodies speak with American ones. I wonder whether I can coax the kids into not wanting see this one and coming with me to see that apparently brilliant new war movie about bomb disposal teams in Iraq instead…

Then again, incredibly annoying though I now find Roald Dahl’s deeply dubious animal rights politics – which surface again in The Twits, by the way – I can’t honestly claim they’ll do the world’s impressionable youth any harm. When I was a child it was my favourite Dahl book – even more so than James And The Giant Peach, which had my name on it. I liked Mister Fox’s devil-may-care, neckerchief-sporting raffishness; I rejoiced in the naughtiness of his thefts from the repellant Boggis, Bunce and Bean; I was desperately upset when he lost his brush; and was overjoyed when he and his family made their narrow escape.

Never put me off foxhunting, though, did it?

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