PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL
From: HRH Prince of Wales
To: David Cameron
Dear Prime Minister,
As you will surely be aware having no doubt followed with close interest my trip round Britain on my bio-fuel-powered royal train, my landmark speech to the European Parliament on the theme “Why we must end this capitalism thingy now and retire to our agreeable Scottish estates and go fishing with our ghillies” and my speech in Rio warning that we have just 100 months left to save the world, the planet is in grave danger. As your future monarch, here is what I command you must do:
Build more wind farms. Lots of them. Especially offshore ones. That’s because the sea belongs to Mummy and money accruing to the Crown Estate is good money because one day it will fund my tireless crusading on behalf of Greenpeace, the World Wildlife Fund and Friends of the Earth and also pay for the upkeep of my Aston Martin which, don’t you know, is powered entirely by biofuels.
Stop everyone indulging in the frightful practice of breeding. You are doing an excellent job with the employed classes, having created an economy where it is all but impossible for anyone to earn enough to pay for their own upkeep let alone afford more children. But with the underclass there is much work to be done. Is there not some way you might persuade MI5 to slip bromide – or better still, some form of sterilising agent – into the batter on the chicken at… (Note to Perkins: please look up the name of the frightful place where the underclass consume their hideous prole food and insert). (Note to HRH from Perkins: Nando’s, sire.)
Encourage everyone to wear tweed. Tweed is splendid. Besides being robust, thorn-proof, and ideal for stalking in, it also keeps one warm in the chilliest of climes and therefore saves enormously on the cost of heating one’s various homes.
Rid me of the turbulent Delingpole. He delighteth me not.
I have no idea whether these are the exact words of the secret correspondence which the Attorney General has decided we’re not allowed to see. But I expect it’s pretty close. What are the Prince of Wales’s main political obsessions? Greenery is one. Easing Britain’s progression into the Caliphate is the other. It’s quite likely, I imagine, that both subjects would feature in his private letters to ministers. Which would surely explain why Dominic Grieve is so keen to keep them secret. After all, Charles’s future role as a constitutional monarch will expressly forbid him from meddling in the nation’s political affairs. It would hardly encourage much public confidence in our future king if he were revealed as a barking meddler who wants to drive up our fuel bills, ruin our countryside and undermine the established church, would it?
But perhaps the Prince of Wales’s suggestions were entirely sweet, sensible and unobjectionable. If that’s the case, surely it will do no harm releasing his correspondence.
And if they weren’t, well, all the more reason that we should know. After all, if Prince Charles is using his position to lobby (H/T Ian Whittaker) for policies which will affect us all then it ceases to be a private matter and becomes very much a public one.