Cameron to Appoint New Personal Hygiene Czar

Concern about declining standards of personal hygiene have inspired David Cameron’s Coalition government to appoint a Personal Hygiene and Cleanliness Supervisor who will advise Britons on how to get the most out of their Personal Hygiene and Cleanliness routines, especially when they use the loo.

“One of the problems associated with toilet use is that people tend to consider it a private moment in their lives in which the government has no business whatsoever,” said the Prime Minister, yesterday, proudly deploying the word “toilet” lest anyone imagine he had been expensively-educated. “But we intend to change that. Without proper government scrutiny, we cannot be at all sure that people are wiping their bottoms properly or not dribbling on the seat or remembering to pull up their flies. The social consequences of this could be horrendous, especially in the run-up to the Olympics when the eyes of the world will be on Britain. We want to send out a clear message: skid marks have no place in the Big Society.”

Though David Cameron has attracted mockery from some quarters over the appointment of what cynics have christened the Poo-Poo and Wee-Wee Czar, he is adamant that it will give the British economy just the fillip it needs as it teeters on the brink of a new Great Depression. “No it will, really. Every street in Britain will have a Personal Hygiene Co-ordinator who will report directly to the Department of Cleanliness, which will create at least ten million new ‘Brown Jobs’.’

Mr Cameron insists that the scheme will be entirely self-financing and will not cost ordinary taxpayers a penny. “It’s brilliant. There’s this guy, right, that I, like, read about when I did PPE at Oxford and what you do is you just print extra money and all your problems just disappear into the future by which time you’re dead so you don’t notice. All the world’s top economists like Ben Bernanke and Paul Krugman say it really works and it doesn’t cause inflation or anything bad like that and even if it does your massive house in Witney or wherever just goes up and up and up.”

Mr Cameron added that the Department of Cleanliness’s shiny new headquarters in Mayfair would be paid for by a special supertax on “hedge funders, filthy rich entrepreneurs, City types, oligarchs and other fat cat capitalist running dog lackeys,” as well as from the proceeds from a new fairground attraction where members of the public can pay £120 to hit golf balls on a range at Mr (formerly Sir) Fred Goodwin. His chancellor, George Osborne, defended the decision yesterday against the suggestion that this might be seen as in some way anti-business and anti-growth.

“Anyone who thinks that is a total economic illiterate. And I should know because I’ve been on a bloody great yacht with Oleg Deripaska and Nat Rothschild. They know about money and stuff cos they’re really rich and though they didn’t actually say this because they were too busy being beaten in the sauna with birch twigs by men in pointy hats the impression I got is this: rich people around the world are desperate to do more good in society and have more of their money spent on their behalf by the government. We estimate that by raising the upper band tax rate to 70p, the number of rich people wanting to come to Britain will increase by at least 50 per cent boosting revenues up to 10000 per cent. Mr Cable has done the figures and he’s a real whizz. It’s a little-known fact which he doesn’t like to boast about, but he actually saw the 2007 crash coming, you know.”

Mr Cameron admitted yesterday he’d got the idea for the new department from his Health Minister Anne Milton. “When I saw her proposal to solve the problem of teen drinking by encouraging the breweries to water down their beer, I just thought: ‘Genius!’ I mean, for years Britain has been held back by the kind of selfish ‘me, me, me’ attitude whereby people think they should be free to spend their own money and do more or less what they want to so long as it’s “legal” and what this means is that everything gets frightfully messy and hard to control. What Anne has made me appreciate is that there’s no area of private life to which the state can’t make a real, benchmarked difference if it put its mind to it. And that’s why, I’ve created another new Department of Blue Sky Thinking which even now is working on new ways for the government to solve everything. We’re thinking a Tooth-Flossing Czar, a Fashion Advice Czar, an Organic Vegetables Czar, a Bee-Keeping Czar. Hugh’s very interested because he’s a mate who was, like, at School with me. But so’s Jamie and Jamie wasn’t even at School, which gives you an idea of the breadth of popular appeal some of these ideas have.”

But what about the accusation that this was more Nanny Statism of the most intrusive kind? “And what’s so wrong with Nannies?” asked Cameron. “Mine was top hole. She used to be Harold Macmillan’s and if it wasn’t for her I still wouldn’t know to this day that you never, but never, use a fish knife when eating pike in May. Well, not unless you’ve caught it with a dry fly, obviously.”

Related posts:

  1. Climategate: why David Cameron is going to be disastrous for Britain
  2. So much for Cameron’s Cuties…
  3. How can you tell when Dave Cameron’s lying?
  4. If class IS a problem for David Cameron he has only himself to blame

 

On Plimer, Climate Change and the Ineffable Barkingness of George Moonbat

As Rod Liddle has noticed over at the Spectator today, the Guardian’s resident Climate Fear Promoter George Monbiot has written yet another long and foaming rant about his favourite topic: why he’s right and why everyone who disagrees with him is a heretic and a fool who deserves to be cast into outer darkness.

Now I have no objection to this tack in principle: I have been guilty of it myself from time to time. (Oh all right, always). But here’s one of the key differences between Moonbat and me. Most of the things I advocate are going to make you richer, happier and free-er. Whereas, if anyone ever chooses to take any of the self-hating Old Stoic’s ravings seriously, we’ll soon all be living in caves, travelling round in coracles, and dining on nettles and ground acorns, while gangs of fascistic Misery and Ecological Righteousness Supervisors led by the Prince Of Wales, the Hon Jonathan Porritt and Zac Goldsmith patrol the realm in their BioFuel-powered Aston Martins whipping us (but not in a fun way) with organically grown birch twigs.

Anyway, that’s by the by. What I really want to do here is correct a misapprehension I’ve noticed among one or two blog comments of late: viz, that Aussie Professor Ian Plimer – author of Heaven And Earth – somehow chickened out of, or even lost his debate re Anthropogenic Global Warming with the Moonbat and that the subject was now closed.

What? Eh? Quoi? In your dreams Moonbat!

And I say “In your dreams Moonbat” because the only way anyone could possibly have reached this conclusion is by reading one of his magisterially self-deluding columns. (God they must have some stamina!)

Here are the facts. Prof Plimer offered to fly at his own expense from Australia to London to debate publicly with George Monbiot, fair and square, with no conditions attached.

Monbiot, as I reported before, was the one who chickened out. But he did it such a way as to try to present himself as the victor.

You can read for yourself in full the exchange of letters in which Monbiot wriggled out of the debate at the Moonbat’s website. A more perfect case of cognitive dissonance you rarely did see. The contrast between what Monbiot repeatedly tells you – that he won the debate because Plimer chickened out – and the evidence of their correspondence speaks for itself.

As promised Professor Plimer is now coming to London to lecture on Climate Change on November 12 at Savoy Place. If Monbiot is too scared to turn up and present his side of the argument, that’s his fault not Plimer’s.

Related posts:

  1. Is George ‘Jello’ Monbiot too chicken to debate ‘Global Warming’ with an expert?
  2. Meet the man who has exposed the great climate change con trick
  3. ‘Germany’s George Monbiot’ turns climate sceptic
  4. Climate Change: an emetic fallacy