August 28, 2011
Some readers may have woken up today wondering whether they have been transported into a parallel universe. In this parallel universe – let us call it Moronica – it is considered wise and statesmanlike when your country is falling to bits and £4.8 trillion in debt to borrow money you can’t possibly afford in order to finance your crumbling military to fire missiles at a million pounds a pop at a ramshackle army in a far off country in order to replace the insane despot who was formerly in charge with a newer, likely more dangerous regime.
Assuming, for a moment, that this really is Moronica that we now all inhabit, let us consider the options as to where Our Glorious Leader Dave should strike next in order further to demonstrate his international statesmanship:
Pros: on the verge of taking over the world and enslaving us all; mines evil rare earth minerals in environmentally unfriendly fashion which Sam Cam, like, totally, like hates, even though it’s OK really because they go towards the wind farms which make Daddy nearly £1000 a day on his estates; a big, juicy target that would impress David Cameron’s Notting Hill friends way more than poxy Libya.
Cons: We’d lose
Pros: We’ve done it before so we can (probably) do it again; would strike the right Heir to Blair note.
Cons: Sierra Leone people mainly black – might raise difficult race issues in these fraught, post-Starkey times.
Pros: Would be hugely popular with the home crowd and guarantee re-election in 2015
Cons: Victory would depend, crucially, on whose turn it is to use the aircraft carrier.
Pros: see France
Cons: Our airforce likely to be decimated in low-level attacks by the massive preponderance of wind farms on the Hun’s territory.
Pros: Small, potentially do-able target in keeping with Britain’s new look, post-cuts military.
Cons: They still might beat us, if France has got the aircraft carrier (see France)
Pros: Would send a clear signal to Guardianistas that Britain is not going to be “America’s poodle”; might well result in a sexy-sexy congratulatory tete a tete with Christine Lagarde; would make the Lib Dem element of the Coalition feel more at home than ever.
Cons: Our record of beating America in wars is not good. Then again, with a President as lame-duck as Obama in charge this could yet be our best hope.
Pros: technically feasible; unlikely to offer too much resistance; could probably sustain assault by at least £10 billion worth of Storm Shadow, King Dong, Mighty Whopper, Streak Megalodon Boomibang, Whackamole, Deliberator XI, and Whooshiwhoosh missiles before giving up the ghost in a haze of satisfying black powdery stuff; a perfect opportunity to waste truly stupendous quantities of borrowed/taxpayers’ money, to no purpose whatsoever, and at no risk to UK military personnel thus avoiding any unhelpful images of Union Flag-draped coffins which might derail this project of unutterable pointlessness and stupidity. Another Libya then….
Cons: NONE. Rockall, we are go!
- Climategate: Obama’s boot boys strike back
- 10 Reasons Why We Shouldn’t Be In Libya
- Cameron’s first stupid mistake
- Margaret Thatcher dies; Dave basks in the limelight
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